When it's time to take a dump
I feel the pushing in my rump.
I have to run and take that shit
It's coming out it just won't quit!
The crap's all out and what a smell
I missed the toilet please don't tell.
I always use my hand to wipe
And do it with a great big swipe.
Why wash my hands? It's time to eat
I'll lick my fingers-man that's sweet!
The Atomic Fart
It's huge, it's big, it's stench can kill
A cloud so deadly, guts you'll spill!
Eyes will water, smell you can taste
You'll swear it's not just human waste.
Butt lo, behold The Atomic Fart
Run if you can, if you are smart.
Effects so horrible it'll stop your heart
Beware the bringer of The Atomic Fart!
I happened to be at the zoo
To see the monkeys flinging poo.
I wanted badly to join in
As throwing poop is not a sin.
So in my pants I took a crap
And set that poop upon my lap.
Then I threw a lot of stinky
Some people thought that I was kinky.
I hit some monkeys in the face
The shit was flung at record pace!
Soon they came and took me to jail
Only shit in my pants, no money for bail.
Consider the blast from your ass
As a sign of position and class.
It isn't disgusting nor is it crass
It's merely a stinking bubble of gas.
Ode to Toilet Paper
I'm white right now, soon I will be brown
I'm found in sewers all over town.
In civilized places I'm man's best friend
My favorite place is next to your end.
I keep your butt clean when I'm doing my job
Your ancestors used a gross old corn cob.
Sing my praises and give respect too
And I will be happy wiping your poo.
When in a public restroom, don't you know it's really rude
To be talking on your cell phone, because I'm kind of prude.
I want to take my shit in peace without your conversation
I'm left no choice in this you see to change the situation.
I'll grunt, I'll groan and fart real loud just to be unkind
I'll take the smelliest dump in town, I'm sure your friend won't mind.
Then I'll flush the toilet, not once but several times
You really must be punished for your social crimes.
You'll have to yell into your phone to cover up the sound
This doesn't seem to bother you, a fact that I have found.
So when I hear you talking I'll never miss the chance
To join your conversation that only I enhance.
"Are you talking to me on the toilet?" that friend of yours may ask
And that is when I know I've done my sickening, dirty task.
If you've cut a real bad fart it's always wise to run
And blame on someone else, it's all the rage and fun!
It's wonderful to see them gag, noses wrinkle in disgust
If you haven't done this yet, you know that it's a must!
So fart away, do it now, to your heart's content
They'll never know that from your butt came that awful scent!
A crap a day keeps the doctor away
You won't have a plugged up bowel.
Do it today, a turd you will lay
Hold your nose the stench will be foul.
I like to play with poopy and smear it on my tongue
I've always liked to do it since I've been very young.
Mommy said don't do it, she liked to call it dung
Butt I'm happy with my poopy and now my song is sung!
It all started out as a rumbling gut
Soon it became a condition of butt
I strained and soon a fart I did cut
And out from my ass flew a shitty peanut!