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Poop Parade [entries|friends|calendar]

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[06 May 2006|07:49pm]
[ mood | dead ]

And all that was left was a smelly purple stain on a white bed sheet.

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Diarrhea of Death [30 Apr 2006|10:43am]
[ mood | crappy ]

I've had diarrhea for weeks! I'm slowly shrinking away. I'm such a skinny turd now. I'm weak, dizzy and possibly close to death. Whatever I eat or drink comes right back out. I've been to the local clinic butt the docs there can't find anything wrong with me. I'm just an old turd - go home and rot away - they tell me. I'm checking myself in to a turd hospice tomorrow. I've been taking a box a day of Imodium tablets to stop myself up in an effort to save myself. My sisters are horrified that the same fate awaits them. I haven't even finished the latest crappy romance novel I've been working on! I have tons of un-written poopy poetry to pen! I have so much crap yet to do! The agony of it all!! And the cramping of my twisted bowels!
It seems that soon, I will be flushed down the Great Toilet Bowl of Life into the Great Sewer of the Beyond.

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[08 Apr 2006|10:18pm]
Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is Super Poop
Your Superpower is Farting
Your Weakness is Craptinite
Your Weapon is Your Toxic Gas Attack
Your Mode of Transportation is a Roto Rooter Truck
3 comments|post comment

Turdnado [08 Apr 2006|09:29pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

There are plenty of tornadoes to go around! Yesturday we even spawned a small turdnado here in Crapland! Shit flew everywhere! The funnel cloud formed over huge manure piles in Farmer Brownstain's field and then dropped to the piles and the air turned brown and stunk to high heaven. Crap circulated and splattered in all directions. One huge mound of poop was lifted and thrown through the roof of a farm house crashing into the bathroom as Farmer Brownstain was taking a dump. No major injuries were reported butt the area looks like it was shit bombed. We're expecting more shitty weather in the next few days. I'm fearful my garbage can will get hit like a trailer from a turdnado- maybe I should anchor it down?

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Job Loss [01 Apr 2006|08:24am]
[ mood | creative ]

I finally have had enough of working at that greasy spoon, the Crapland Cafe. We were shut down yet again for health violations. Hard to believe I know! Just because the plumbing in the restroom burst and spilled into the kitchen area. A surge of poopy water then flowed out into the dining area. What's a few inches of contaminated water when you're enjoying the best food in town? SHEESH!

So, I've decided I ought to work from home, out of my garbage can. I've come up with a couple of ideas. Since Americans will buy anything for just about any price- I'd put very little investment into my products and sell them at high prices.

Booger on a Stick: I can collect used poopsicle -ah- popsicle sticks, scrape the snot and boogers from my nostrils onto the sticks and sell the product in local candy stores.

Stinkin' Logs: A new twist on the old favorite Lincoln Logs. I can crap out poop logs, dry them out, cut them to size, carve the slots in them, shellac them and sell them in toy stores. Little kids would build all kinds of things with those shit logs! I'd put instructions for building outhouses in with the logs.

Those are my latest ideas. I'll be brainstorming all week! Let me know what you stink-I mean think!

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[12 Mar 2006|10:16am]
Image hosting by Photobucket

May you always have a pot o' gold to shit in!
2 comments|post comment

Country Visit [12 Mar 2006|09:39am]
[ mood | happy ]

It's time to go visit my cousin, Crappy May, who lives out in the country about seven miles outside of Crapland. She lives in an outhouse behind a farmhouse behind a hog farm. You can imagine that fresh, clean country air she gets to breathe 24-7!

Usually, when I'm at Crappy May's we catch up on all the gossip first! Who's been crapping in who's toilet? Did you hear who won the shit eating contest? Any new poo recipes to share? You know, the usual stuff. Then, we always go visit the hogs- actually, we enjoy visiting the hog pens. We skate around on the sloppy, wet, stinking, turd-sludged, teeming with infection and parasitic pen ground. We often will bounce off the hogs scaring them and making them grunt and squeal. More than once we've been crushed by a falling hog, but we scrape ourselves back together for more fun!

I like to relax in the evenings and watch the swamp gas rise up from Crappy May's stinking outhouse hole. Colorful and smelly phosphorous gases have always fascinated me! I can sit and smell it all night.

Well, I guess I'd better be on my way! I'll post my St. Potty's greeting before I leave because I'll be gone a while. I'll think of you all when I fart!

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[10 Mar 2006|11:03pm]
You Are Crumble Poop Pie

You're the type who will eat anything-including crap. Wash the pie down with a glass of diarrhea.
4 comments|post comment

[10 Mar 2006|10:50pm]
Your Outrageous Name is:

Crusty Butthole
4 comments|post comment

[10 Mar 2006|10:43pm]

Your Irish Name Is...

Patty O'Poop

4 comments|post comment

[10 Mar 2006|10:37pm]
You're A Shitfaced Alcoholic

You drink and barf in the same toilet.
8 comments|post comment

[06 Mar 2006|11:45am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Does anyone else have a used butt cork collection? I have a really nice one- all sizes, shapes, colors and smells of used butt corks. I like to take them out and enjoy each unique aroma! Sometimes I plug my nostrils with them. I like to suck on them too. They're definitely re-usable too. I almost had my eye put out by one that came flying out of a farting asshole.

6 comments|post comment

[05 Mar 2006|10:55am]

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.

You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.

Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.

You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

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[05 Mar 2006|10:43am]
[ mood | giddy ]

I'm going to pick dingleberries today. Hope I can pick enough for a quart. If I don't I'll have to pick belly button lint to make up for it.

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[04 Mar 2006|10:01pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I snorted out this huge bile-booger yesturday. I saved it and pressed it between the pages of a big heavy book. In a year or so I'll have a nice flat dried booger! I think I could sell them as 'Booger Chips'. Yeah- another money making scheme from yours spewly!

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[27 Feb 2006|08:35am]
I gotta go take a dump!
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Happy Buttday to Me! [27 Feb 2006|07:43am]
[ mood | excited ]

Tomorrow I will be celebrating my Buttday! I and my two sister shits were born from the butt of a drunken bum on a leap year, Feb. 29th. Since Feb. only has 28 days this year we will celebrate tomorrow!

My sisters, Brown and Black Poop will be baking the chocolate poop cake and the cook down at the Crapland Cafe (which has re-opened) will be supplying the smooth, creamy chocolate poop ice cream. He agreed to eat a couple of gallons of ice cream today, take a laxative tonight and then crap in the bowls for us tomorrow. I'll put the bowls in the freezer until party time.

It's going to be a theme party too- a POOP PARTY! We're going to bring out the photos of we triplets when we were just little turdlets. Too bad that old bum died right after giving birth to us, we would've invited him to the party. We'll play some games- Pin the Poop on the Potty, Blind Manure's Bluff, Spin the Butthole and Shitster- that's a spin on the game Twister, where you use cow plappies instead of colored circles. We're having a lot of other turds there and all my LJ buds are invited!

So, dear friends, when you drop a turd into the toilet, just remember, you are giving birth to one of my possible buddies! Wave good bye and wish them well as you flush them on to their new life.

4 comments|post comment

[ mood | silly ]

A Crap

When it's time to take a dump
I feel the pushing in my rump.
I have to run and take that shit
It's coming out it just won't quit!
The crap's all out and what a smell
I missed the toilet please don't tell.
I always use my hand to wipe
And do it with a great big swipe.
Why wash my hands? It's time to eat
I'll lick my fingers-man that's sweet!

The Atomic Fart

It's huge, it's big, it's stench can kill
A cloud so deadly, guts you'll spill!
Eyes will water, smell you can taste
You'll swear it's not just human waste.
Butt lo, behold The Atomic Fart
Run if you can, if you are smart.
Effects so horrible it'll stop your heart
Beware the bringer of The Atomic Fart!

Poo Fling

I happened to be at the zoo
To see the monkeys flinging poo.
I wanted badly to join in
As throwing poop is not a sin.
So in my pants I took a crap
And set that poop upon my lap.
Then I threw a lot of stinky
Some people thought that I was kinky.
I hit some monkeys in the face
The shit was flung at record pace!
Soon they came and took me to jail
Only shit in my pants, no money for bail.

A Fart

Consider the blast from your ass
As a sign of position and class.
It isn't disgusting nor is it crass
It's merely a stinking bubble of gas.

Ode to Toilet Paper

I'm white right now, soon I will be brown
I'm found in sewers all over town.
In civilized places I'm man's best friend
My favorite place is next to your end.
I keep your butt clean when I'm doing my job
Your ancestors used a gross old corn cob.
Sing my praises and give respect too
And I will be happy wiping your poo.

Cell Poop

When in a public restroom, don't you know it's really rude
To be talking on your cell phone, because I'm kind of prude.
I want to take my shit in peace without your conversation
I'm left no choice in this you see to change the situation.
I'll grunt, I'll groan and fart real loud just to be unkind
I'll take the smelliest dump in town, I'm sure your friend won't mind.
Then I'll flush the toilet, not once but several times
You really must be punished for your social crimes.
You'll have to yell into your phone to cover up the sound
This doesn't seem to bother you, a fact that I have found.
So when I hear you talking I'll never miss the chance
To join your conversation that only I enhance.
"Are you talking to me on the toilet?" that friend of yours may ask
And that is when I know I've done my sickening, dirty task.

Fart Party

If you've cut a real bad fart it's always wise to run
And blame on someone else, it's all the rage and fun!
It's wonderful to see them gag, noses wrinkle in disgust
If you haven't done this yet, you know that it's a must!
So fart away, do it now, to your heart's content
They'll never know that from your butt came that awful scent!

Healthy Shit

A crap a day keeps the doctor away
You won't have a plugged up bowel.
Do it today, a turd you will lay
Hold your nose the stench will be foul.

Poop Song

I like to play with poopy and smear it on my tongue
I've always liked to do it since I've been very young.
Mommy said don't do it, she liked to call it dung
Butt I'm happy with my poopy and now my song is sung!

Fart Poem

It all started out as a rumbling gut
Soon it became a condition of butt
I strained and soon a fart I did cut
And out from my ass flew a shitty peanut!

4 comments|post comment

[25 Feb 2006|09:34pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Won't you be my sack of crap?
I'll seal you up and leave no gap.
You'll sit and stink and rot away
I'll take you out on a rainy day
To whiff your rotten stinky smell
Until my nostrils start to swell.
And when I'm through with you my poo
I'll step upon you with my shoe.
A mess you'll make atop my floor
And you will be my poo no more.

2 comments|post comment

[18 Feb 2006|10:05pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I was contacted by the Federal Government and told to stop selling my Crapland Diet or I'd be fined and jailed. I agreed and put in my application for part time work at 'Mr. Rooter'. I really want to be a shit truck driver. When the Cafe opens back up I'll get back to cooking and serving shit. Right now I'm farting out undigested beans from the burrito I had for dinner. Those beans will make good leftovers for breakfast tomorrow.

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